April 16: Beth and Melanie have begun to suspect that Chief Duncan Hoss is of their tribe
Chief Hoss opts to use a snapshot of a rookie cop’s day to explain the role of the third branch of the Civil Division, Criminal Records. To do this, he selects a man in the front row and asks his name. Which is Henry. Henry is approximately 238 years old.
Chief Hoss: “Congratulations, Henry, it’s not easy to get hired on at the Sheriff’s Office. And it’s just begun for you.”
Henry was hired after a number of tests, including a civil service test and a polygraph test, and a background check. He attends an orientation, in which Logistics issues him his (to quote Chief Hoss) “superhero tools”: uniform, flashlight, firearm, radio and charger, boots, PPE, ballistic vest and money-grab ballistic helmet, and a computer (I assume this is some sort of laptop or Chromebook for study purposes.) Henry is then shipped to Seattle to attend a police academy for five months, where he will recieve “book and crime scene” training. When he returns five months later, he will begin a four-month apprenticeship with an FTO (“Field Training Officer.”)
Henry’s first day, he arrives outfitted, receives another orientation, and does his first ride-along. A report comes in of a stolen car. Henry meets the owner and takes his report, adding in it that the owner is particularly upset because his favorite troll doll was in the stolen car.
What does Henry do with that report? He contacts Criminal Records! They put the information into a national database, so that cops everywhere will be on the lookout for the stolen car.
Then Henry gets called to a scene where there is a violation of restraining order in progress. He must first find the scene, which is easier now that the world has Siri. Back in the day, cops had to use Thomas guides. Luckily, Henry does, in fact, find the scene (Well done, Henry!)
His first order of business is to talk to dispatch. Turns out, there is indeed a no-contact order, which states that the two participants, a man and a woman, can’t be within a certain radius of one another. Henry calls Criminal Records to verify that the no-contact order is still valid. It is. So Henry puts bracelets on the man. (That is the term Chief Hoss used. “Bracelets.”) Henry also performs a search and discovers that the man has been harassing the woman via text. Also, the man has a knife. Both the phone used to text and the knife are confiscated.
Henry drops the man in bracelets off at—
Wait for it—
Happy Jack’s Tomato Ranch.
Henry also hands over the phone and knife, which are stored in evidence lockers until Logistics and Evidence can retrieve the items and move them to the evidence warehouse.
[Man, I hope we get to see the evidence warehouse.]
Next, Henry gets called to investigate a DUII (congratulations, Henry, on finding the scene) and takes the report, in which the inebriated man explains that he has only had TWO BEERS. (This phrase, “two beers,” was actually printed on the slide in all caps. One can only imagine how many times Chief Hoss heard someone say “I’ve only had two beers” throughout the course of his career, which is, as we know, over.)
While searching Mr. Twobeers’ car, Henry discovers a concealed weapon. Once again, he calls on the fine people at Criminal Records, who assure him that Mr. Twobeers does not have a gun permit. Henry, having been through five months of academy training, is aware that (to quote Chief Hoss exactly): “drunk people with firearms sometimes make poor decisions.” So Henry puts the bracelets on Mr. Twobeers and puts him in the squad. . . Tahoe, and asks Dispatch to call for a tow. Henry reports this call to Criminial Records, because, as Chief Hoss wisely pointed out, when drunk people with firearms sober up, they often assume that their car was stolen and call the police to report it.
Henry then takes Mr. Twobeers down to Happy Jack’s Tomato Ranch. They do breathalyzer testing at Happy Jack’s Tomato Ranch.
Mercy, that’s two arrests and multiple reports filed on Henry’s first night! But he’s only just begun to police. On the way to lunch, Henry is directed to serve a no-contact order to Mr. Unsub. Henry is a devoted and selfless 238 year old cop. He puts off lunch and instead successfully locates Mr. Unsub at his home address. Henry then reaches out to the Civil unit which prepared the no-contact order so they can file the appropriate paperwork with the court. Henry is, of course, aware that if Mr. Unsub violates this order, it will be considered a new crime.
We interrupt this fascinating account of Henry’s first day to hear a question from one of our savvy classmates:
“Does he ever get lunch?”
Chief Hoss fights a valiant battle with his sense of professionalism, loses, and gives the answer that every cop in the room is thinking: “No.”
A different classmate standing at the back of the room begins a complicated question that even those of us who can hear her don’t understand. Something about smuggling large quantities of marijuana. . ?
Chief Hoss frowns, strides down the aisle in her direction and declares, “I shot a gun for thirty years, my hearing isn’t what it was.” He listens while she repeats the question, nods and says, “You’re not planning to smuggle weed yourself, right?” (I am sure this was only mostly a joke.)
Chief Hoss: “If somebody is caught trying to smuggle a large amount of weed onto a plane or boat, they would be arrested by that agency’s police. The Port of Portland has its own police force that deals with crime at both the port and the airport. The smuggler would be arrested for possession with intent to deliver, which is a felony.”
Back to Henry. He heads to the precinct because he has about ten minutes left on his shift. On the way, what should he see, parked at a curb, but the stolen vehicle! There is a man in close proximity to the vehicle, who is looking for his, uh, lost dog with an unusually forgettable name. A computer check reveals that the man has a warrant out for his arrest. But wait – is the warrant still active? It is once again time to call Criminal Records. Lo and behold (this is the big twist at the end) the warrant is, indeed active. And what do you know? The man has the missing troll doll in his pocket. Henry puts the man in bracelets. And takes him to – you guessed it – Happy Jack’s Tomato Ranch.
Whew! Henry, you debonair 238-year-old, you have a promising future in law enforcement. Likely also a short future.
Some additional interesting tidbits:
Evidence must not only be stored correctly, it must also be recorded correctly in order to keep the chain of custody intact. It is packaged, sealed and documented, moved to a holding locker and documented, then moved to the evidence warehouse and documented.
The Civil Branch does not contain sworn officers (this information in no way influences my decision to keep making fun of Chief Hoss.)
Washington State has an “unfunded mandate” that states the police are not allowed to charge for the employee time and expense required to fill a public records request.
There are repeat offenders who use public disclosure requests to harass particular officers.
The main reason cops write reports is so they will have notes to read over before they are asked to take the stand in a court room. In Chief Hoss’ words: “You’ll look like an idiot on the stand if the prosecutor asks questions you should know the answer to.”
Officers can also review body cam footage before taking the stand.
There is both a local report database, and also, in the case of things like protection orders, stolen vehicles and kidnappings, federal databases (WASIC or NCIS. Yes, it isn’t just a television show.)
With that, our session with Chief Duncan Hoss came to a close. Sergeant Handsome came to the front of the room, savored the view of his rows of ducklings in their green shirts, and announced that there were cookies in the back.
“He didn’t mention the coffee!” Beth said, disappointed.
Poor Sergeant Handsome. I’m sure he only forgot to mention the coffee because the sight of us in our green shirts drove all other thoughts from his mind.
Next up: Internal Affairs! (It’s awesome. You make a lot of friends.)
