April 9. Beth and Melanie are still at the Sheriff’s Office. They’ve been acting like adults for over three hours, even after the “What Does The Fox Say?” story.

We had a short break, and then our next speaker, whose name and title I did not get because it was almost nine p.m., was the lead Data Analyst. He did not mention the coffee and cookies, which was a huge oversight on his part.

Mr. Data was also their IT guy until they hired an official IT guy, and he had the IT guy sense of humor. You know it when you hear it. A combination of frustration, fatalism and a deep appreciation for the absurd. The statistics flew fast and furious, y’all. Allow me to bullet point:

• 75,000 calls for service per year (to the Sheriff’s Office alone.)
• $12,000 a month for cellular service, which includes not just phones, but also the equipment in cars and the drones and body cams.
•  Minimum staffing levels are: 10 for day shift, 8 for swing shift and 6 for graveyard shift. (They don’t meet minimum levels ever. On any shift. They need more employees.)
• Hazel Dell has the highest crime rate in Clark County. Specifically the area right around Hwy 99 and 78th St.
• Theft is the most common crime in Clark County.
• According to the RCW, a child under 12 cannot commit a crime. (This is not something the police necessarily agree with.)
• In Clark County, nearly all rape and assault victims know the identity of their attacker. 50% of rape cases involve alcohol and/or drugs.
• Residential burglary usually happens during the day, and involves the theft of small, portable items. It’s common practice to carry these items out in the victim’s pillowcase.
• Since COVID, theft of items in open garages has become common. If someone can get their arm under a garage door, they can get in to steal something.
• There are three different methods used to measure crime statistics, and you get different results depending on the method you use. When you hear statistics quoted, find out whether the measurement scale used was “Worst Crime”, UCR or NIBRS.
• Crime calls happen most often in the afternoon, right in the 2:00-3:00 range. This measurement is somewhat deceptive, because people often wait until they get home to report a crime. Burglaries are sometimes discovered when kids get home from school.

Let me just interrupt the stream of information to explain that while the statistics were flying by, there was a redheaded guy up there behind the podium, running the slides and occasionally offering comments. He was every bit as attractive as Sergeant Handsome, but ten years younger. The redheaded guy told us that he was a Forensic Data Analyst.

I had two epiphanies: 

1) Anything sounds cool if you put “forensic” in front of it. Forensic Laundry. Forensic Deodorant. Forensic Bathroom. Oh, wait – I work at the Vancouver Library. “Forensic Bathroom” may be a glimpse of the future.

2) I might as well put on stilettos and get my lips Botoxed, because I am apparently a cougar.

But about that lingo. . .

Fascinating Terminology:

• Abnormal Things, or Abnormal Actions: What the police say instead of “Deeds this person should go to hell for.”
• Hot call: a request from someone in a life-threatening situation. (“Someone is chasing me with a knife,” for example.)
• Mal-Mish: an abbreviation of the term “Malicious Mischief.”
• Fog of War: the mental state cops get into when they’re dealing with a violent offender.
• Choir practice: when deputies get together at the end of the week to drink in order to deal with things the “shake it off” cop culture won’t let you talk about. This is the cultural norm that Sheriff Horch and Deputy Kessel are trying to change.
• Vehicle Prowl: Stealing items inside someone’s vehicle. This is lingo specific to Clark County law enforcement.
• Brandishing: Displaying a weapon to menace someone. (The guards at Vancouver Library have experienced this.) It has become fashionable since COVID.
• Robbery: Something is taken directly from you.
• Burglary: All unauthorized entry into premises, whether or not something is stolen. Also includes violation of a trespass order.
• Simple Assault: assault using only hands, feet or other body part (I leave the definition of “other body part” to your imagination). Alcohol is often involved.
• Aggravated Assault: someone is knocked unconscious, especially if the injuries were severe enough to require emergency service and/or hospitalization.

Crime Report Call types, with examples to indicate severity:

Priority 1: I am running from someone with a weapon.

Priority 2: I hear screaming, yelling and furniture breaking.

Priority 3: My house was burglarized.

Priority 4: Traffic collision.

Priority 5: Fireworks.

Yes, you read that right. “Fireworks” is on the Hot Call list. It was explained in this way: “Yeah. . . you’ve got folks on one side of the divide, and folks on the other. Some like ’em, some don’t. . .” A lot of hand-tipping and grimacing accompanied this explanation. That’s when I had a third epiphany: policing is customer service with deadly weapons. 

Beth and I were absolutely exhausted when class finally ended (at 9:30.) Also, Beth needs a different shirt size. I told her to cut up the one she got and wear it as a dickey, but I think she decided not to.

I don’t drink coffee and I can’t eat store-bought cookies because I’m gluten intolerant and allergic to dairy, so I cannot vouch for the coffee and cookies. But Beth said they didn’t look appealing. And thus, our first Citizens’ Academy class concluded.

Oh – yes. And Beth made fox sounds as we pulled away from the station. 

Next Tuesday:

• Civil Branch
• Children’s Justice Center
• Internal Affairs